


Unsaid, River dear

by N8schatten



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Darillium (Doctor Who), F/M, This two idiots waltzing in starlight, talking about feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:14:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29472282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/N8schatten/pseuds/N8schatten
Summary: She really couldn’t look him in the eyes right now. It was just too much at the moment. He was giving her 24 years. 24 linear years. Just the two of them and still she couldn’t look him in the eyes without seeing the anger his former self had directed at her.Darillium, 24 linear years, if only she could forget what is last face had said.
Relationships: Twelfth Doctor/River Song
Comments: 6
Kudos: 34





	Unsaid, River dear

**Author's Note:**

> This is a song fic, hell I never thought I would do something like this!  
> The Song Is "Unsaid Emily" from Julie and the Phantoms and I just realized the other day that this is a waltz and well…this happened!

The first night of Darillium was beautiful. River had thought that with the 24 years of night thing Darillium had, that the sunset would take at least a year or two. Surprisingly it didn’t. Instead the sun had just disappeared behind the horizon, after one of the most beautiful sunsets she had seen so far. It had taken barely three days until there was eternal night. It was breathtaking and beautiful. 

The deep dark night sky with its millions of stars. It wasn’t like Calderon Beta, but close. This was more like the night sky of earth once you got a real look at it. With different constellations of course, but well, still the same in some kind. 

It was more colourful though. 

The door leading to the porch River was standing on, slid open behind her. River tried very hard not to look back. She should be happy. The Doctor loved her. He really did and he cared so much, but at the same time she still could hear the words Bowtie had said. It made looking at this version of her husband harder. Almost impossible in fact.

“Aren’t you cold?” He asked gently and River shook her head. She gripped the warm cup of tea in her hand a bit tighter. It immediately started groaning a bit. The ceramic not made for her Time Lord strength. She felt him coming closer, but refused to look down from the starlit sky about her.

She really couldn’t look him in the eyes right now. It was just too much at the moment. He was giving her 24 years. 24 linear years. Just the two of them and still she couldn’t look him in the eyes without seeing the anger his former self had directed at her.

She hated herself a bit for it, because all this version of him had done so far was making sure she was happy. Well he tried, asking her what she wanted instead of deciding what they would do. He had let her decorate the house he had bought. 

It was beautiful. Two floors and an attic that could be used as liveable space. Large windows that let in the light of the stars. The front garden was beautiful on its own, but couldn’t keep up with the back garden. There was a small pond with a pair of special koi’s. From what she had understood they originated here on Darillium and didn’t care for either the extreme cold or heat that the planet tended to.

The porch on which they stood went around the whole house on the ground floor and right about her, in the master bedroom it was built into a beautiful and spacious balcony. She had seen the Doctor sitting there every night watching the stars, since they had moved in. 

_Because of me_ . River thought bitterly. _Because I refuse to look at him._ Every time he laid down with her River would turn away and turn her back to him. He would never stay in bed long after this. It had become a ritual of kind. 

He would lay down with her. She would turn away from him and after some time he would stand up again. River would turn around once the door to the balcony closed behind him and spend half of the night staring at his starlit form in the rocking chair. Some nights he would take his guitar with him outside and play whatever came to his mind. It was always the same tune, just a little bit different.   
  


Sometimes when the pain in her hearts got too much and the desire for his warm and comforting hugs made her skin itch, River would sit up with the intention to get out there and ask him for the name of the song. She never went through with it. Instead she would sit in bed, her eyes half closed watching him play through her lids until she fell asleep. No matter what she would always wake up huddled tightly in blankets, alone. 

He placed his sonic on the railing of the porch and after a moment something else next to it. River didn’t want to look at it, but at the same time her curiosity was urging her to take a look. Sometimes River wondered why she couldn’t be more like her dad in that matter. Then again… Where would be the fun in that?

She finally gave in and disguised it as taking a sip from her tea. Next to the Doctor's TARDIS blue sonic was a 21 century mobile. 

_Please tell me he doesn’t text!_ River heard her mothers voice complain and the corners of her mouth twitched a bit. The idea of the Doctor texting was ludicrous. Even more so thinking about this Doctor texting. River wondered if he did so with his companions or not and the mere thought stung like hell.

“You know…” He muttered and River nearly let the mug drop. “I never even understood what they all had with those things.” River watched the Doctor pick up the thin black device. He started fidgeting with it immediately. The screen blinking on and off. 

“Well, I still don’t …” He mumbled and River had the feeling that it was more to himself that for her to hear. “But!” He said a bit louder and much more enthusiastic. River jumped and a bit of lukewarm tea spilled over her hands. The cold air of Darillium immediately made her skin sting. River hissed and put the mug to the side, just far enough that no matter what they would do in the next few minutes nothing would happen to it. It was her dad’s mug and River wanted to keep it.

“Sorry,” All joy had left his voice and River felt bad for her reaction. She wasn’t mad, because of him. Hell she wasn’t even mad. She was just…frustrated. With herself and him and the situation. She was frustrated with the fact that she still could hear his younger self in her head and that she couldn’t step into the TARDIS without seeing glimpses of her parents.

They were gone. Bowtie was gone. None of them were here right now, but her husband was! He tried every fucking night and still River would turn her bak to him.

“I like the music player.” He muttered and River snapped back out of her angry musing. “It’s the best I found so far, no matter the century.” He grinned at her and River felt the grin tugging at her lips. She could see in his eyes that it wasn’t what he had hoped for. “And the issue of space can be easily resolved.” 

River watched him fiddle with his phone a bit more. He was scrolling through his song list, well she thought he was, because he had placed his hand in that particular way that made it impossible for her to see the screen. Every other second he would throw her glances. Nervous and fast. Like he needed to be sure that she would still be here, when he was done.

“There is one song…” He muttered. “Early 2020’s.” He glanced up again and there was a gleam in his eyes that made River suspicions.

“It’s a waltz.” He muttered with a grin and wiggled his eyebrows at her. This time her grin was real. River could tell by the way his eyebrows somehow looked happy. She really liked this about this him. The eyebrows and how much they said.  
“Do you know how to dance?” She asked teasingly and for the first time since they had entered the house, River felt comfortable.  
The gleam left his eyes a bit. The Doctor was still smiling, but something about it was wistful. “Every night, especially to this song.” He whispered. He fiddled with the phone again and almost dropped it, before he pulled himself together.

“It’s a bit sad and if you know the context it’s also really depressing, but at the same time…” He sighed and put the phone to the side. River tried to get a glimpse of the screen, but his arm was in the way. “I like it. It’s a love letter so to say.”

And then he stepped back and reached out. His palm up and a smile on his face. “Can I have this dance?” 

River only stared at him. Half of his face bathed in starlight and the other half in the warm glow of their home. He looked so beautiful and so broken. River could see the need in his eyes. The desperate need to get this right. She had the feeling that this was his last try. One last attempt to rebuild the bridge, that Bowtie had burned. “Please.” He whispered.  
River reached out before she really thought about it. His hand closed around hers. Warm and soft. His fingertips felt a bit harder, but then again, he was playing the guitar every night.

He pulled her close. Too close to be proper for a waltz, but close enough for River to feel his body temperature. To hear his heart. The twin beat was faster than usual and River realised that he was nervous. She almost smiled at the thought. 

The music started in the background. One lonely guitar and for a moment River was sure it was the Doctor, who had written this song.   
Before she could think more about it, the Doctor started to dance. For a few seconds they just danced. They found a rhythm and their baring and the Doctor pulled River even closer. 

_"First things first,_ ” 

River startled badly enough to almost throw them off their rhythm, but the Doctor didn’t even blink instead he just continued leading and singing. His voice was sorrowful and filled with pain.

_“We start the scene in reverse,  
_ _All of the lines rehearsed  
_ _Disappeared from my mind.”_

He pulled back just a fraction, barely enough to look at her, but his eyes almost burned her. She had the feeling he wasn’t really here any longer. This wasn’t about Darillium. This wasn’t about 24 years. This was about Manhattan. About what happened to her parents and more importantly between them. Still River had the feeling he was also talking about them meeting in front of Hydrofax’s ship. How he had tried to tell her, who he was and just never got it out.

_“When things got loud  
_ _One of us running out  
_ _I should've turned around  
_ _But I had too much pride.”_

River turned her head from him. This was an apology. One filled with all the words he never managed to say. This was him, begging her to forgive him and she didn’t want to hear it.

_“No time for goodbyes  
_ _Didn't get to apologize  
_ _Pieces of a clock that lies broken.”_

He let go of her hand, just for a moment to gently pull her chin back around. He never stopped leading their walzz. He never stopped singing. His gruff voice filling the cold air of Darillium in the most sweet way. It made tears run down River’s cheek, tears she never before dared to cry. He just smiled and gently brushed them away with one thumb. He didn’t care. And the realisation hurt almost more than his sweet words. He was willing to show her what he never before had shown to anyone. The pain and fear and he hoped she would do the same.

_“If I could take us back, if I could just do that  
_ _And write in every empty space the words "I love you" in replace”_

Rivers' knees buckled and all that kept her on her feet and dancing was the Doctor. He pulled her impossibly close to his body, her face half buried in his shoulder. The warmth of his body enveloping her. River could feel his heartbeat underneath her finger tips. He still smelled like the Doctor. Of time and sunshine and desert, but there was something else there too. Something more sweet. The Doctor just held her and kept dancing. He walked them over the porch and back, always in the light of the stars and their living room.

_“Then maybe time would not erase me  
_ _If you could only know I'd never let you go  
_ _And the words I most regret are the ones I never meant to leave”_

Right then he changed the text for the first time. Before this line, he had just sung with the boy from the original song. In perfect synchronization. Sometimes a bit faster as if he wanted to reach a certain line, but right then, he changed the song.

The original sung “ _Unsaid Emily”,_ but the Doctor whispered a soft “Unsaid, River dear” into her ear. 

His voice broke on the last syllable and he stopped singing. He never stopped dancing and the music in the background just continued, like it was using the words he wanted to say.

“ _Silent days, mysteries and mistakes  
_ _Who'd be the first to break?  
_ _Guess we're alike that way  
_ _He said, she said  
_ _Conversations in my head  
_ _And that's just where they're gonna stay forever_ ”

River’s legs still refused to take her weight, so the Doctor was holding her. Their waltzing had turned into soft circles. He loved her. He…

“I never meant those words.” He whispered and turned them again, just a fraction. River could see the stars about them. They seemed brighter and much more colourful than before. “The things I said after Manhattan. I never meant what I said, but I was so scared.” His voice was shaking and River felt his arms tighten around her.

“I…the whole time in Manhattan, I was so scared. From the moment I saw you there.” River felt something drop in her stomach.

“Not even when the angels took my dad?” She whispered and felt his head shake. 

“Not one moment. I mean we defeated them before. Amy knew what to do, I knew how to handle them. I wasn’t scared by the angles, just really REALLY annoyed.” She almost laughed at the childishly angry tone in his voice. She refrained, because she could hear the slight quiver of fear in it. 

“But when you introduce yourself as Professor…” River tried to lean back to see her husband, but he just held her tighter to him. “It terrified me,” he whispered. 

“Why?” River whispered back. The Doctor turned them again and River got a glimpse of their living room.

“Because the first time I met you you were a Professor. And River, you read our story didn’t you?” Something cold rushed up her back. 

“This is our last night.” She mumbled and he nodded. “Yes, Our last night, at least the last night we will know each other. After this, all I’ll be will be a young idiot who can’t figure you out.”

River pushed down a sob, but the next breath she took was shaking and loud in the silence of their garden.

“I knew then and there that I’ll lose you, that this would be the last time I’ll see you, because I wasn’t the right man to take you to Darillium. I’m a coward River.”

She protested, or tried to, but he silenced her with a stiff laugh. “Don’t you dare, River.” He muttered. “I’m a coward and we both know it. It’s the one thing that all of my regenerations have in common. No matter the change I’ll always be a coward. Sometimes I’m just better at hiding it.” River let go of his hand and slung her arms around his neck. As if to answer him, he pulled her closer.

“I know, it’s not a reason to be like this. But, please I need you to understand, ever since I met you, all I did was try to change your fate, but all I can hear is the one promise you took from me that day. _Not one line, don’t you dare.”_

River almost laughed. The Doctor did chuckle a bit. “Strange isn’t it? I don’t even know who said what and who repeated what. Time’s a circle isn’t it?” He whispered.

“More a big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey.” She mumbled and this time he laughed.

“What I want to say,” The song restarted in the background and the Doctor leaned back. This time it was River who refused to let go for a moment. When she let go, he took her hand again and started leading again.“What I want to say is this. 24 years, those are for us. For you and for me. This, _this_ is just for us. Our happiness, our life. Nobody will take me away from here. Nothing will move me, until you tell me to give you some room.”

_“If you could only know I'd never let you go”_

_“_ And one day, you will show me, this me, this song and tell me it’s your favourite. And we will use every free minute in the TARDIS to dance, just the two of us. Just us and the old girl and thousands of stars and time. No matter the distance or circumstances.”

She was crying again. Openly and ugly, but still the Doctor looked at her like she was the most beautiful thing in the world.

“And one day River Song,” He whispered and pulled her a bit closer again, their foreheads almost touching. “One day we will come back. No spoilers. Not a single line changed, but I saved you. I promise you, we will be happy and nobody can take this from us.”

_“And write in every empty space the words "I love you" in replace_ ”

  
The stars about them looked so beautiful and River knew, she just knew that this wasn’t the end. This maybe was the last night, but it wasn’t the end. There would be another day. 

“Promise me”   
“You watch us run” 


End file.
